Friday, November 4, 2005

Week 16

Dear Embreu,

You will realize early in your young life with me that I am horribly forgetful. The sad part is, I have an excellent memory for completely useless information ( a trait I desperately hope you will inherit - I think it will drive Daddy crazy ). But dates? Things to do that aren't written on a list? What I had for dinner last night? Its all a big blank. Actually, dinner last night was really incredible salmon and salad - do you remember? Daddy is really getting quite good with the cooking, lucky you. Regardless, here we are at the start of week 16, and I've missed three weeks of entries.

The truth is, you are pretty darn easy. Except for Mommy's poochy belly, it is easy to forget about you at times. "They" say that I should be able to feel you move starting some time in the next few weeks - that, perhaps, will be what drives it all home. But for now, the only evidence of you is my drastically shrinking wardrobe.

We met with the good Captain Gyno last week. Your heartbeat was nice and strong again - in the 130s. I have gained all of 5.5 lbs so far - and all of it belly, since everything else seems to be getting smaller. We will find out at our next visit ( the Monday after Thanksgiving ) if you are a boy or girl. The doc is betting on boy, but I'm not sure how reliable his guesses are. Daddy and I had in our heads girl, but I know Aunt Sarah and Uncle Andy are certain you are a boy. I guess we will find out soon enough.

I have always told your father that human life is proof of God. The fact that you have been created from this tiny mass of cells, and that you will grow up to be this perfectly unique individual - that, in my mind, is proof that God exists. You will have your own look, your own mind, your own heart. And as beautiful as I think that is, it also scares the living crap out of me.

I am not, by nature, a control freak. However, I am an obsessive planner. I like to have a plan, whether it be for dinner, or for what family we see when over the holidays. I like plans so much, in fact, Mommy tends to go into freak out mode when plans don't quite go the way they should.

Daddy comes from a long line of non-planners. Not only do they not plan, they don't ever seemed bothered by the lack of plan. In the least. This is something that has always been difficult for me to understand. But, living with Daddy as long as I have has caused me to not freak out quite so much when plans go awry.

Regardless of my loosening up about this, YOU absolutely terrify me. Let me rephrase. I know me. And I know Daddy. But you are going to be this completely unique blend of the two of us - and I have absolutely no idea how that's going to turn out. How on earth can I plan anything without knowing what you're going to be like? Some people will say that that's just part of the fun - getting to know your child. But honestly, this completely freaks me out. I mean, I'm not worried about whether or not we will love you - we already do. Or that you will love us - you ARE kind of stuck with us. But what if you hate to read? Or think the idea of family game night in front of the fire is stupid? And what happens if you decide you love to play golf? ( not that there's anything wrong with golf - I just don't know much about it )

Soon-to-be-Parenthood is strange in that I can't stop thinking about what you're going to be like. Wondering. Daydreaming. And while I'm not going to let myself get tied to any imagined version of you, the idea of meeting the real you still terrifies me. But, in the same thought, I can hardly wait until you're here, and we do get to meet face-to-face.


No comments: