Amelia had her two-month check up this afternoon. She's growing just as she should. She's not as tall as Ainsley was at this point, but she weighs about the same and has the same gigantic head. She is a roly-poly, happy little girl. She seems to be more easy going than Ainsley, and even favored the nurses with smiles today. Ainsley always seemed to be pissed off at the doctor's office. Although, today she walked away with a couple stickers and a sucker - so she may be changing her mind on that front.
For the past couple weeks, I have been thoroughly unhappy with my weight. I know, Amelia is only two months old, and I should certainly give myself more time to work off pregnancy weight. But the idea that I'm still wearing all my elastic-waisted pants? Horrifying.
And I am embarrassed to say that today? Today I projected. Projected the hell out of my weight issues onto my darling little girl. Actually had the thought that she was too roly-poly. What the crap is that all about? A two-month-old is too fat? What on earth am I thinking? Am I seriously thinking that? Ainsley was always so tall for her age, I know with her I could easily chalk up the weight to her gargantuan height. She's an Amazon.
I have now spent the last half-hour of my life feeling like total crap because those thoughts ran through my head. And I know that it is simply my weight issues rearing their ugly fat-ass head.
I had just read this article before heading to the doctor. Which pretty much sums up all the things I want to protect my girls from. They should not be subjected to poor-body-image issues. And I realize how hard that's going to be for me. That means not obsessing over my weight in front of them. Not talking about how bad it feels when clothes don't fit just right.
The girls are going to be influenced by so many external forces. There was a girl in the waiting room today, first grade maybe? Obsessing over her new Bratz doll. Personally, I find these (as well as Barbie - who seems so tame by comparison) an absolute affront to humanity. And as much as I hate them, there are thousands of girls out there who have them. What if one of my girls is friends with one of those girls? I can certainly keep that crap out of my house, but I can't control what other parents allow. Its this sort of thing that keeps me up at night. And what makes me give serious consideration to homeschooling.
Its not just protecting them when you control the situation. Its teaching them how to handle themselves when we aren't around. Its teaching them confidence, and courage, and to not care what other people think.
But how can I teach those things when I still struggle with them?